There are several unspoken inquiries I 'hear' when others learn my story. And others that are verbalized quite vocally and with clear communication.
Even my own children are perplexed.
My husband loves me deeply - would 'do anything for me' and provided our family with an exceptional way of life.
He purchased our dream home and presented it to me the day we moved in.
He fathered three incredible human beings that are our children and shared the immense pleasure, challenge and responsibility of raising them in love, intelligence and morality.
He didn't skip a beat - when I called him pregnant with #1 and distraught over the growing distortions in my body....
Or when Clifford got his head stuck in the table...
Landon's elbow joint 'pulled out of the socket'
Or Jordan's arm broke in two places.
The middle-of-the-night phone calls as our teenagers drove and had accidents, went off to college and were met with life-altering challenges only served to intensify his instinct to protect them.
George Robinson is a man of the most noble code of honor when it comes to his family and those he loves.
So...how did I possibly love another man? Share intimate relationship with him for two years?
Does that happen?
Tradition says it's because I am slut, whore, cheat, infidel unaware, unappreciative and disconnected from a GOOD MAN.
And while to some that will forever be true -
I'm here to offer another perspective.
Straight from the heart, lips, pussy and soul of THE WOMAN who not only lived it, but consciously chose* to do so.
You can listen to The Intimate Feminine podcast for more of our story, but for this moment I will share with you precisely 'why' and 'how' this experience came into our lives.
Yes - I was and beautifully still am married to an exceptionally masculine man. But here's the thing that tripped us up: Being a GOOD man, a good husband-father-provider and protector is not the same as being deeply intimate with a man who is present as lover, powerfully connected to his own creational magic and divinity, willing and even able to HEAR and SENSE his Woman.
No one has been teaching this to our men. Not the fathers and grandfathers, nor the ministers and moguls.
Men are trained to disconnect from the body in order to plow through the unnecessary pieces of being warrior and leader. They must be able to engage single-minded focus in the hunt, the kill, the navigation of real and present dangers. This lives in the primal male dna.
Through time that disconnection has silenced and stilled the heart and often the true erective power of his cock. Young males are taught to either hide and stifle their sexuality or become a player dropping his seed all over the place 'while he still can.' Whether that is indicative of his physical or marital state.
Women/wives are considered matronly and in some cases 'the ball and chain' of relationship.
Distortions at the highest level.
Conversely and sadly in partnership to this GOOD MAN is the GOOD WOMAN whose purity is defined by her selflessness - all that she depletes of herself in order to serve and care for others. Husband, children, family, community.
She knows how to love her children into comfort and elevate the beautiful brilliance of their being. She is the mistress of her home and its ambiance, energy and invitation. Her beauty is bespoke and her heart very likely broken open to the point of either bleeding out or dried up with aridity.
She too, has become severed from the intimate truths, devotional desires and cosmic divinity of her heart and pussy. Sex becomes a shallow and vapid connection to her self - never quite enough. Unable to penetrate her inherited and erected walls of self and heart protection.
Women have been 'empowered' into separation from vulnerable, piercing love and instead partner with rigid boundaries, broken devotion and expectations to be abandoned - doing everything in her power to force-feed the intimacy, adoration and sensuality she desires and is made to unfurl.
I felt the longing, the desperation for more - unmet in my husband, in many ways through no fault of his own. After 26 years of imploring him for deeper connection (while not having full understanding of its absence in myself), I gave in to my own hunger and considered polyamory, a love affair or something equally 'alive' and beyond the death I felt myself to be living.
Enter: a man who is wickedly in tune with the mystical sexuality a soulfully-devotional woman aches to experience within, from and through herself. She mistakenly believes it is him who possesses the magic key to unlock her heart, her sex, her spiritual vision and expression.
Every 'broken' place in her responds to his gestures of love, high-level psychic sorcery and generosity.
I believed it had finally happened - and quite by accident. I was initially repelled by this man, only to fall deeply and completely under his spell and a magic I wholeheartedly believed was a miracle and everything I had been desperate to experience for most of my life.
To be in relationship with him.
But not as a mature woman of 45.
I entered this man's world as a nieve maiden who believed fantasy as real life Love.
This is the Why...or at least a shortened version of it. I wanted to FALL deep into Love. And I did. Only the well into which I fell was romantic love, sensational love - love that is formed through trauma.
Which is really not LOVE at all.
I was ripe with lack, rejection, hunger, disappointment, protection and hardening.
I wanted larger-than-life love and sexual connection - in a way I could FEEL and run through my system.
I ached for orgasm and messy, unfiltered carnal connection...infused with mystical channeling, out-of-body experiences I hadn't even fully known existed.
Six years before I met this man I was writing of the energetics we shared - sex and mysticism entwined with pure love and divinity.
I couldn't then discern the distortion, nor did I know any existed. My feminine sensibilities remained those of the maiden, still virginal in her sexual experience and expression.
So many threads were entangled. I felt highly conscious of my choices and yet I can see today how twisted I remained in what I believed and could sense to be true.
All the while I was healing my bloodline, exacavating deep wounds and lies that had lived in the women of my lineage. I was processing alllll the history of feminine pain through my body - fully believing this was my destiny, service and calling.
What I didn't understand were these pieces:
Our connection was karmic. Intentional and formed through a paradigm of trauma we and our ancestral lineage had experienced. We connected through what we ourselves ached (from a place of lack) to feel and experience and felt possible with the other.
While being a woman who loves will come with heartache - love is not defined by cycles of pain and healing. This, too is an old paradigm.
It's not my job nor any woman's to run a collective of wounding and rejection, codes of abandonment through her system. Perpetually engaging this dynamic entangles her energy with the very forces that created such trauma - real or imagined.
I could continually see within my energetic body two threads of dna interwoven - one that is distorted through time-stamped traumas in the cellular and nervous systems, and another that is purely infused with divinity and love of the highest mystical dimensions. I had access to both and believed perpetual cycles of processing, breaking open and healing would unlock the distortion and alchemize the pain. This - is a lie.
A woman does not come deeper into love through secret relationship, no matter how 'divinely ordained' she believes it to be.
The man I encountered is one who in his cleanest energy and expression possesses and has access to powerful codes of sexuality, magic and psychic ability. His energy serves as an awakening in the feminine system.
I also know the sexual awakening of my own kundalini Life Force energy was essential to who I am. THIS was a key factor in my repeated choice to remain in relationship with this man.
I deeply feared I would energetically and literally die without him. At several points I saw and full-body experienced the terror in my system around losing him.
Instead - I lost myself to him. Never by his demands. He was practiced enough to have chosen an unavailable, married, inexperienced woman who chose him by her own agency. He was clear from day one that he did not love me as I did him.
I do not blame him, nor make him responsible for my experience. (Although I do hold him accountable for his own perversions of truth and manipulations of women I would later learn were widespread in his community.) I see that each of us were enmeshed in the muddled weaving of our own pain and the clear mystical divinity we shared and each carried on our own. I certainly could not sense the delusion within myself (or him) initially, and only through painful initiations into my self over time did I begin to see.
We created the illusion of love, intimacy, spirituality together. Some of it real - all of it entangled with fantasy.
My experience gifted me discernment.
It also showed me how disconnected we humans truly are from what actual LOVE is. From the grounded expressions of divinity. From the everyday, most ordinary moments of quietly deep and unspoken connection.
I couldn't see or feel it before.
Coming back into life, love and relationship with George - choosing to share allll of Me with him - in a way that doesn't expect or demand him to 'be the one' who is xyz, who does xyz, who knows xyz and perfectly-every-time makes me feel xyz -
Is the precise engagement with my self that opened me into love. Once I got the desperation cleared from my system, once I let him fully see even my dark and ugly truth - I could feel him.
Love is subtle. Quiet in the moments. Grounded in your reality. Ever present in your body. We simply are neither attuned nor accustomed to sensing, feeling, recognizing it.
I'm not sorry I had the affair nor for any moment or choice I made. The heartache for me has been in how my choices have impacted others.
In the 'spiritual' narcissistic climate it's only ever 'all about me.'
In a mature and seasoned love intimacy with self - there is a deep level of connection to how we engage and impact others.
George IS my love. What we have each shared together and apart in this experience opened us both to True Love. He is no longer striving to be the GOOD man, but instead prefers to be the Man He Is.
Love is not what we have believed it be - that is a reality for nearly every human on this planet.
The truth for me and I daresay for George as well -
Yes - I had everything. What I thought I lacked was intimacy, adoration, love and connection. Sexual expression and living as a mystic.
What I never actually had - was Me. Not until I got intimate with what is true in me and stopped keeping it hidden, secret, taboo (idolizing and mystifying the very thing I was missing) would I experience the love, sex and relationship I both needed and desired.
Jacqueline Robinson is a deeply intimate feminine Muse + Mentor. Her work with clients 1:1 and in group settings is highly transformative, exploring all facets of what it is to live *alive* and alchemize the energetics of what has become 'taboo' in our world in both behavior and conversation.
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